Parenting Teens

Understanding Your Role as the Parent of a Teen 

Teenagers in the house? I am so tempted right now to say, "Good luck with that!" and be done with this blog. Most parents of teens, given the option, would simply click the heels of their ruby slippers together while chanting "there's no place like Rome, there's no place like Rome." But lets be honest and square off, toe to toe, with this challenge. YOU can parent successfully throughout your child's teenage years. YES, it can be done. It may not feel like successful parenting while you are doing it, but mark God's words: "Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it." Proverbs 22:6 NKJV

There really isn't a formula, but there is an invisible force field.

Remember the rules you set in place through the 'TWEEN' stage? (Didn't know about the rules? You can read about it here.) Well, you still need some rules in place, but in the state of TEEN-dom the rules become somewhat fluid...organic, even. Although the rules still exist, they now morph and bend to wrap themselves around the complex nuances of the teen brain. Much like those stretchy elastic bands that used to be your apron strings. 


Don't panic. Don't 'over-control', and don't fool yourself into making MORE and MORE rules because you fear you have lost control. Relax. Teens are teens, just like men are men, and women are women. Some things are just nature. But Biblical Principles are still in tact...regardless. And you, as a parent, can rely on them. God knows your teen, and God knows what makes them tick...and fear, and elate, and explode, and rebel, and repent. Partner with God through their teen years and you suddenly become aware of the invisible Spirit-force-field He has in place to preserve their destinies, even when they seem hell-bent on sabotaging all they are purposed to be.   

Don't get me wrong, this is NOT a magic formula...Parental reality check: You only have about a dozen short years of each child's life to cram into them as much character, discipline, principles, understanding, self-control, perspective, God-value, and decision making wisdom as you can...while they still fear and revere you.  And if you have been waiting through their early years, even with great tolerance, for Junior to be old enough to completely reason and comprehend the ways in which he should go so you could lay that path out for him, you have very nearly missed the boat. Better get onboard...QUICK! 

Your responsibility towards their providence begins at their conception, having very little to do with their ability to make sense of it all.  

It is during the teenage years your child will let go and hold on all at the same time. As a parent it is frustrating and confusing. They need you desperately and they hate you intensely, simultaneously. Your best advantage point is to remember it isn't about you. Their rejection is not a personal slam to your like-ability. The rolling of their eyes and deafness of their ears has little to do with the wisdom of your words. Your role in their lives is to remain a constant. Constantly seeking daily wisdom from God, the lover of THEIR souls, the lover of YOUR soul. 

Now, take a deep breath and put a smile on your face. It isn't you against them, and it isn't them against the world. The teen years are a testing ground for every principle you've ever tried to pound in, and every independent thought your teen can conjure up. Peer pressure aside, there's a lot going on in the pre-adult brain, and there's a lot going on in their quickly changing hormones. Teens often feel like they've been living in The Matrix. "It's all a farce, all a smoke-screen, all an illusion created for me to control who I become"-- by their parents and everyone in authority. "Surely this isn't all there is?" So they spend much of their time and energy attempting to create their own version of reality. Challenging authority, climbing over walls, busting through doors that have only been closed for their own protection. It's amusing really when you think about it.    

I've heard this statement so frequently from parents regarding their mis-alined teenagers it has actually become cliche, "Well, I just have to pick my battles". I've used that statement myself, many times. It's cliche, but it's true. When you, the parent, represent the authority, it is you they will rebel against. But like I said, don't take it personally. It's just the nature of the "Teen Beast". The authority you actually have in their lives as long as they are pre-adult is God's authority. You represent God's authority in your child's life. Don't misunderstand what I'm saying. You are certainly not God, but you represent Him...His covering, His wisdom, His steadfastness, His grace, His discipline, His faithfulness.  And we all blow it at times. Thankfully parents also get the benefit of His Mercy and Second Chances! Whew! 

Here's what to do if you blow it...

And if you blow it with your teen, don't walk away in shame, or cover it up with anger. Don't build a wall. Just apologize. Apologize to your teen. Explain that you are responsible to follow the leading of the Holy Spirit to parent your child the way God intends, and you messed up. Ask your child's forgiveness and agree to start fresh. You will likely be amazed at the outcome. Some of the most tender moments with my teens occurred after I had royally bombed. I had missed God, and I had to make things right. Strangely it made me a better parent, and my teen learned about grace and the love of God. Win/win! 

Parenting teenagers doesn't have to be a bloody battlefield. Look at it more like an exciting season of change and growth, an altered state of transfiguration...parent and teen metamorphosing into new delightful, sometimes scary, sometimes misunderstood, unique God-creatures. Sounds like fun...doesn't it?!