HOW YOUR ROLE AS A PARENT CHANGES AS YOUR CHILD GROWS
Part 1: The Early Years
Confession time:
I once dreaded the thought of being the one responsible for the entertainment, training, and general parenting of a preschooler. I was never the baby-sitting type. As a teen every time I was forced to babysit, and yes, I said "forced", let's just say my soul was more than somewhat disquieted within me.
I would click away each agonizing minute of the clock until that blessed moment of deliverance when mom & dad would finally return, freeing me from the bondage I was only able to endure because of the inevitable cash reward. No offense to you born-to-be moms and dads who cry when you drop your child off for the first day of school, but that just wasn't me. Don't get me wrong, I always wanted to have kids. Six of them, in fact, but after the first birth, an agonizing 8lbs-11oz, I quickly changed my mind to ONE, thank you very much. Thank God and my husband and my prepossessing first born they changed my mind and I had three. Three awe-inspiring human God-beings. I love my kids!
It may not get better, but it definitely gets different
I've often encouraged young parents with this, "It may not get better, but it definitely gets different." As your child grows so does your role as their begetter. As infants you are their sole support, food source, diaper changer, warmth insurance, comforter, protector, eye-candy, and general care-giver on all levels. As they grow into toddlers they seek out other eye-candy and start to gain a somewhat dangerous sense of independence--"I know I need you, but I want to do this on my own, so step back! don't interfere! until I need you...whaaaaa!...ok I need you right now!"
Just past the toddler stage they begin to develop a keen sense of themselves...ha!...I was just seeing if you were paying attention...they begin to develop elementary evidences of potential character traits. Such as joyfulness, melancholy, impulsiveness, aggressiveness (which likely reveals that you have a potential leader on your hands, by the way), showmanship, resourcefulness, innovativeness, to name only a few. But don't arrange their professional career just yet, you still have some ground to cover. Your role as The Disciplinarian has emerged. (Or it SHOULD have emerged. Take heart, there is still hope if it didn't.) You become your child's guardrail system. Once the exclusive protector of your child, you have now transformed into Protector-at-large, not only protecting your child from danger, but protecting everything and everyone else from the danger OF your child.
Once they enter the vast domain we call the EDUCATION SYSTEM (and, yes, even home school counts here) something cool, but sometimes scary, begins to materialize.
SMARTS. Is he or isn't he? That is the question. EDUCATION tends to squeeze out of a child incredible, if not terrifying qualities. Our slightly misguided tendency at this stage of their life is to assume the role of our child's greatest cheerleader...their ally, their chief advocate, and defender. I say misguided because experience and wisdom (not necessarily my own) has taught me differently.
Let me give you an example. My then 8 year old grandson, who exhibited exceptional smarts in many subjects, wanted to make a birthday card for one of his classmates. Proudly he showed the finished product to his mom. He had written, "Happy Birthday! From Reese, the smartest kid you know." Gasp! The statement, although probably true, was completely inappropriate. Too much pride! Too much arrogance! But if Mom is acting in the role of cheerleader/ally/advocate/defender she would inadvertently let this slide so as not to discount the effort, hence damaging the son's self-esteem. Can I just say poppycock!...not sure exactly what that means, but poppycock!! Thankfully, his Mom, my daughter had a brilliant raising so she acted wisely--pardon the self-promoting-plug--she praised him wholeheartedly for his artwork, but corrected him gently, suggesting a more diplomatic phrasing of his sentiment. She also explained why his original statement was inappropriate, taking his classmates feelings into count. That day Reese grew in character, Mom had a win-win, and the classmate had a happy birthday. All is well if you assume the role of "Encouraging Corrector".
Now let's venture in to PRE-TEEN-HOOD. Otherwise known as Giddiness and Awkwardness gone WILD!
What a confusing stage for a kid...AND THEIR PARENTS! Arms, legs, brain cells, hormones are all growing at the speed of light. Every single day offers a new challenge, a new adventure, a new scenario. Your beautiful innocent child begins to be exposed to experiences beyond their pay grade, ready or not. Some of these experiences might be beyond your pay grade. Prepare yourself for a sudden shift in your parenting function, and don't let it throw you. It will happen, but you can plan ahead...maybe...just know that in real life this totally sneaks up on you, really. Never fear. Here is the wisdom you need. Make a wise plan and stick to the plan, even if you are planning the plan in the middle of the plan.
A WISE PLAN MIGHT LOOK LIKE THIS:
Rule #1. BE IN AGREEMENT: Talk things over with your parenting partner (if you have one) so you can always be in agreement. --Otherwise your ever-so-smart child will play the one-parent-against-the-other game and you will all lose.
Rule #2. DECIDE THE RULES IN ADVANCE: On house rules, church attendance, homework, dating, make-up, attire, curfews, family time, computer time, gaming time, social networking rules, etc. Apply rule #1 to this, no exceptions.
Rule #3. MAKE THE RULES CLEAR TO YOUR CHILD: If your child doesn't know there are rules you will have a hard time holding them accountable to the rules. It is also advantageous to make your child aware of this: The rules exist because God has given to you, the Parents, the irrevocable privilege and responsibility of imparting to your child the knowledge and wisdom needed to provide him every opportunity to fulfill the destiny to which he is purposed. Everyone likes to know they have a purpose and a destiny.
NOTE: If you have more than one child remember this. YOU ARE SETTING A PRECEDENT for ALL OF YOUR CHILDREN. No Exceptions.
Rule #4. HOLD YOUR CHILD ACCOUNTABLE TO THE RULES: If there are no consequences for breaking the rules there are really no rules in place. Your child needs consequences. Failures in life have great consequences. You are doing your child a disservice if you constantly ignore the broken rules. Life does not typically ignore broken rules.
Rule #5. ESTABLISH A CULTURE OF GRACE & ENCOURAGEMENT: Everyone messes up at some point. Your child, maybe even YOU will mess up, violating the wisdom of THE RULES. Praise God there is a culture of grace and encouragement. "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus..." Romans 8:1. We once provided our children with a "grace token" they could apply to be forgiven of an impending punishment for violation of a rule. We wanted to teach them of the remarkable gift provided by our Savior's sacrifice on the cross for the forgiveness of ALL our sin...even though we were guilty, He paid the penalty. Wow. Amazingly they all grasped that at an early age. Grace tokens really worked to teach our kids about repentance and the undeserved grace of our loving Heavenly Father.
Your role as the parent of a pre-teen is one of Resourcer/Rule Maker/GraceTeacher. Don't sell any of them short, they are all important to your child's development.
You can do this! You can SO do this! You will rock as a parent, no matter your child's stage of life. God gave you that child, HE is faithful to provide you with the knowledge and wisdom to raise that child in the way he/she should go. No fear. No failure.
I will be addressing Issues of Parenting Teens in another blog. Stay tuned.
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