TODDLER NEGOTIATIONS __Because I said so...

So, you have a toddler. 

A small person tumbling around your house, probably causing havoc and making utterances only extra terrestrials and maybe other siblings in your household can translate. A small person in the making, coming into an understanding of what it means to be human; what benefits he or she has because he or she is your offspring, or maybe hand selected royalty. 

You are the proud parent of A TODDLER. 

Most of us can’t actually remember our toddler-hood. Oddly, my most ancient memory is the day I turned 3 years old. I remember toddling along the back fence in my back yard on my third birthday singing to a self-made tune, “I’m three! I’m three!” But for the most part we don’t particularly remember our toddler years, and for a good reason. We were DIFFICULT! Most toddlers are difficult! And today’s culture pressures a new mama...
to the point she feels she needs to negotiate with her child, so as not to confront her child’s self worth or challenge their self esteem by correcting their bad behavior.  Oh, please.  

Negotiation according to Wikipedia “is a dialogue between two or more people or parties, intended to reach an understanding, resolve point of difference, or gain advantage in outcome of dialogue, to produce an agreement upon courses of action, to bargain for individual or collective advantage, to craft outcomes to satisfy various interests of two people/parties involved in negotiation process. Negotiation is a process where each party involved in negotiating tries to gain an advantage for themselves by the end of the process. Negotiation is intended to aim at compromise.”

“…to gain an advantage for themselves by the end of the process.”  

I am pretty sure that is the sole aim of every toddler I’ve ever met, or raised.  And you better believe your toddler is a master of negotiation, or in their world, manipulation.  In my experience negotiations are at best designed to create a reasonable outcome. Reasonable to both parties. In such case one would rightly assume each party should be somewhat “reasonable”, i.e. sensible, rational, logical, fair, fair-minded, just, equitable; intelligent, wise, levelheaded, practical, realistic; sound, reasoned, well-reasoned, valid, commonsensical; tenable, plausible, credible, believable. According to the Thesaurus all are synonymous to “reasonable”.  Now it begs the question, 

Have you EVER met a reasonable toddler?!  Really?! 

Toddlers are interested in one thing. Getting what they want. Period. That’s how they are wired. That’s how it is. Think about it.  Why are we so moved, thrilled, and overjoyed when Junior willingly shares his toy with another toddler! Wow! Did you see that! He’s the most amazing child!  That was so unselfish! (Yes…Celebrate those victories!) 

So, Mommy, why, oh why are you attempting negotiations with your 3 year old?

Allow me to demonstrate: 

Mommy—Put your shoes on, Sweetie.

Toddler — No.

Mommy — Common, Sweetie, put your shoes on, please.

Toddler — No, I don’t want to.

Mommy — Sweetie, we have to go somewhere and you need to get your shoes on.

Toddler (defiantly) — I don’t want to! 

Mommy — Yes, Sweetie, Mommy needs to go to the grocery store and run some errands so we will have something to prepare for dinner. Please, please put your shoes on…where are your shoes?

Toddler (Now defiant & belligerent) — I don’t know! I don’t want to!

Mommy (frantically searching for Sweetie’s shoes) — What did you do with your shoes? We’ve got to go now. 

Toddler (defiantly stomping and ranting) — No! 

Mommy — I found your shoes, Sweetie!  If you put your shoes on, Mommy will buy you a toy at the store!

Toddler (in consideration of proposed bargain) — I want 2 toys! And some candy! 

Mommy — (Sighs, picking up child & shoes and heading for the car) Ok, we’ll see. (Mommy caves) And we will put your shoes on when we get there. 

Toddler - No!  I don’t want to put my shoes on!

Mommy - (beginning new negotiation) …And if you are good at the store maybe we can go to the park tomorrow….

Negotiating with your toddler, bad idea, waste of time. Waste of YOUR time.  Even if you feel you’ve had a breakthrough, Junior seems to have come around to an understanding and is suddenly compliant, grasping the process of your reasoning, making a compromise by not throwing a fit…”Hallelujah!”…just wait until nap time.  He will have forgotten all about your detailed explanation of the benefits of napping, the brilliance of your wisdom on teeth brushing, how incredibly convincing your potty discussion.  

So what’s a Mommy to do? My first suggestion is to assume your role as THE PARENT and stop trying to “convince” your child toward good behavior.  You are bigger than him for a reason.  You have more experience, you are wiser, you are stronger, you are able to see further down the road, you are in charge, you rule! And Junior needs your authority, not your  empathy. Junior needs a Mama, not a full grown-equal-partner-play-mate-pushover constantly attempting to bargain with him for a better position in his life. 

Be the Mama. Why? Because I said so, that’s why!