Let's Talk About Sex, Baby

By Staci Pace

If you are in my generation, you now have a terribly annoying and very catchy tune playing through your head over and over again. (You’re welcome!) When this Salt N’ Pepa (yes, that was really the name of the group) song was popular, everyone, and I do mean EVERYONE in my Junior High was singing it in the hallways, before class, at the lunch tables, on the buses, out at recess, ALL THE TIME. The only way that I knew any of the song was hearing it from my classmates because, at the time, secular music was forbidden in my home. I was constantly terrified that I may accidentally sing out loud at home what ran through my mind incessantly most days after school. Now that I think about it, I’m pretty sure that I should consider myself incredibly lucky to have missed most of the horrendous pop tunes of the 90s that some people still call music. Not to say that the “contemporary Christian” music was any better! But, to the point…

The single most bothersome thing in my mind these days that keeps me awake night after night is how in this sex-driven society will I ever be able to convey to my children the importance of sexual purity?? While my generation certainly had its issues relating to sex, it was still nothing compared to today’s cultural acceptance of nearly anything sexual. You can’t even watch a “family” show these days without the suggestion that sex before marriage is a completely normal, acceptable, and even encouraged activity. Even the Super Bowl half-time shows aren’t safe for young minds. Even though everyone was (mostly) clothed this year, I still had to shoo my kids from the room while Bruno Mars sang, “Yeah, your sex takes me to paradise…” And, I just can’t help but think there is something terribly wrong with the idea of a boy taking a girl out for a romantic dinner only to give her a key to his apartment before ever a ring is mentioned.

1 in 4 kids will have had sex by 16. And over 65% before age 20.

To some I will seem seriously antiquated in my thinking on the subject, but I will stand my ground. Why? Because I believe that sex is a beautiful thing that is meant specifically for two people who are in covenant with each other. Now that is a foreign word to most of the world. What is covenant? The dictionary defines it as a contract between two parties. But it is OH SO MUCH MORE than that! It is a commitment to accept and love one another beyond the reaches of pleasure or happiness. It is a solemn promise to choose to love and care for one another every day. It is an oath made to each other in the presence of God, who, by the way, is the only one who can make the covenant possible.  I also believe that there are blessings awaiting those who follow the pathways of the Lord: Blessings that are often missed simply by ignorance of them. I want for my children to experience these secret pathways of the kingdom that lead to a more fulfilling and prosperous life. And in the process of teaching my children these principles, I hope that perhaps others might join me and together we might change the culture.

2 out of 3 college students have been in a “friends with benefits” relationship.

Society has chosen to ignore the harsh realities brought on by abandoning the Biblical principles of sex, love and marriage. The church hammered in that God is love, while the world hammered in that love is sex. The byproduct is that now most of the world’s god is sex. Now that sex has become the thing to feed our souls, we have a surplus of unwanted, unplanned, and often times aborted children. And then, we spent so much time trying to identify with children of single parents, attempting to convince them they aren’t missing out on anything, that we now have a generation of people who think, erroneously, that a mother AND father are not a necessary part of child rearing. Pornography has become so commonplace in our hunger for pleasure and fulfillment that even the majority of young Christians today think that viewing pornography is a totally acceptable way to express one’s sexuality. Are you aware that there is an extensive,widespread human trafficking sex trade? Our country is far from immune from this terrifying reality. It's possible that you may even have encountered someone trapped in this form of slavery and not even know it.  And despite attempts to cover it up, we have entire generations plagued by the guilt and shame that accompanies such shallow and superficial sexual relationships that are now the norm. (There was a great article in Relevant Magazine that is worth a read: The Non-Physical Sides of Sex.) Meanwhile, the only voice that could possibly bring about any change in this warped view of love has chosen to remain mute on the entire subject. SEX and anything having to do with it has become taboo within the body of Christ. The mere idea of talking about it even at marriage retreats brings a rush of color to the cheeks of anyone in the room. Instead of providing honest and realistic strategies to remain under the covering of God’s authority, we have either judged those who have fallen or closed our eyes to all of it and pretended that God is not offended at such sin. 

67% of young men and 49% of young women say viewing porn is an acceptable way to express one’s sexuality.

So how can I equip my children to withstand such burning temptation that surrounds us all every day? How can I teach them that there is so much more awaiting them if they can hold true to the path of purity? These are some things that I am praying about and researching, but even now, I absolutely have some thoughts on the subject.

The United States has one of the highest teen pregnancy rates in the western industrialized world.

I discovered that there is no Sex Education requirement for public schools in my area. While some could consider this a good thing, leaving the total responsibility to the parents, I’m not so sure. Regardless of what education my children receive regarding sex education, I would be failing as a parent if I did not also address the issue personally. When I received sex education at school, I learned very clearly about STDs, STIs and condoms. Thanks to the many awkward questions asked by fellow classmates, I also had the privilege of learning about oral sex and various oddities of the human body that I certainly did not want to know about at the time. Abstinence was of course spoken about by the instructor, but in a way that made it very clear, even in my young eyes, that she considered it to be a joke and a completely unreasonable expectation.

25% of Americans are living with an incurable STD.

In today’s world, a virgin is considered a loser and an outcast; someone who couldn’t possibly be a normal part of society and it makes me absolutely livid! Anyone that can legitimately claim virginity in our society should be honored and valued as someone with an immeasurable strength of character and resolve, not belittled and ridiculed. These heroes truly deserve to be recognized publicly by our society with college scholarships and special bragging rights on resumes, because surely these few outstanding representations of purity could accomplish anything set before them! Sadly, however, this is not the case at all.

Men today have had an average of 7 sexual partners, women 4.
(According to a survey of men and women age 20 to 59.)

There were many things that I was not taught specifically about. I can’t put the blame on my parents for this, because I very specifically remember my sister and I forbidding them to talk to us about such things. “Mom!! We already know all about IT!” No one ever really told me that there were sexual acts that, while not actual sexual intercourse, would still carry the repercussions of sexual impurity. No one ever really spoke to me about what to do if a boy tried to put his hand up my shirt. No one really informed me that good “Christian” boys were still boys and still might ask you to go further than you should. These are things that I believe NEED to be addressed.

Nearly 1 in 5 women will become a victim of rape.

As parents, I think it is very important that we are very clear about the expectations we have for our children. My husband and I want our sons to know that we expect them to honor and respect any girl they pursue, and that we expect for them to practice abstinence until marriage, and that we believe wholeheartedly that it is possible to do so. We want our daughter to know how she should expect a boy to treat her, and how we expect a boy to treat her! We want her to be aware that we believe in her ability to say no and wait for marriage. We want to put rules in place in our home to help them achieve these goals, and we will do our best to enforce them. We also want to be clear about the consequences, both in our home and outside of it, they will face if these expectations are not met.

It is estimated that there are 100,000 children in the sex trade in the United States each year.

But, as with any other time that the rules our broken in our home, our children can expect to be met with grace and love. Unfortunately, the rest of the world is not governed by these principles, and we won’t always be able to protect them from that brutal reality. But grace and love does not mean that we will provide them with what they need to break the rules of the house, i.e. we will not be handing out condoms or birth control pills. It does mean that they can talk to my husband and I if they stumble or fall. It does mean that we will be there to walk them through the consequences that they face. And we will be very clear about God’s ability to restore and redeem, that Christ died for EVERY sin, and that NOTHING can separate them from the love of God.

60% of women lose their virginity between the ages of 15 and 18. And half of those do so by 16.

While I think that parents should play a HUGE roll in what a child knows about sex and all that comes with it, I don’t think that a parent should be the only one talking to a child about it. I believe that sexual education should be seriously and candidly spoken about in youth groups in the safety and security of the church. The unfortunate truth is that most churches have all but banned the subject, and parents, in an attempt to shelter and protect their children, are partly to blame. I think that one of the main reasons teen pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases are at such high rates in our country is because the church has remained pretty silent on the subject, other than some denominations openly accepting and condoning sexual perversions.

1 in 5 mobile Internet searches are for pornography.

It is time for the church to crack open the Bible on the subject and impart the REAL truth to our children. It’s time to teach them that God has better things available to them than what this world offers. It’s time that we are honest about the truth that God’s love really can be enough for them right now. It’s time for us to teach them how to pursue a relationship while remaining pure. It’s time for us to give them real-world strategies on how to honor one another physically and how to avoid the danger zone in the heat of passion. It’s time to speak to them about REAL love that goes beyond our feelings.  It’s time for us to get beyond our own comfort zone, and the comfort zones of our children, and broach the subjects that might turn our stomachs. It’s time for the church to change the culture!

90% of boys and 60% of girls are exposed to pornography before reaching 18 years.

How are you planning to combat the issues of sex? What are your thoughts about sexual impurity? Do you have a plan in place for your family? If you have resources on addressing this subject with your children, I’d love to hear about them!

This article was originally posted at Confessions Of A Water Walker.